


Broken Cognitives

by Kattwyllie



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drug Withdrawal, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:02:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28783131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Relationships: Mike Dodds/Reader
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

Mike rolled over in the bed, grumbling lightly when his arm hit empty sheets, they were at least somewhat warm still, which meant you hadn’t been gone long. His eyes cracked open, glancing toward the digital clock staring back at him, 6:23 a.m, less than ten minutes before the alarm would go off anyways. Sitting up he made sure it was shut off, checking his phone for notifications as he padded out to the main area of his apartment, not surprised to find you at the island.

“You’re up early.” He greeted, voice still rough with sleep.

“I’ve got a deadline for a column due at noon, wanted to get a head start.” You replied, happily snaking your arms around his waist while he kissed at the side of your head. Fully turning your attention to him for a proper good morning kiss, lips moving languidly against each other before you departed, Mike snuggling against your back. “Coffee should still be hot.” You murmured, nuzzling against his skin, “you want me to whip you up something for breakfast?”

“No.” He pecked your cheek before moving over to the coffee maker, fixing himself a cup, “I’ll grab something on the way to work.”

“You sure?” You cocked a concerned brow at him as he settled on the stool next to you.

“Yeah.” He smiled, kissing your cheek gently, “rather not workout on a full stomach.” 

You half laughed at his reply before turning your attention back to your laptop, you really did need to get this column done, no matter how distracting your boyfriend was.

You and Mike had been together for nearly a year already, though your relationship was kept pretty quiet when you first started dating, it had begun casual, both of you had busy schedules with work and weren’t quite sure where things would go. To be completely honest, you _never_ in your life saw yourself dating a cop, especially one who happened to be the son of the Chief, it intimidated you to say the least, but you had yet to meet Chief Dodds, or any of Mike’s family, and things were going swimmingly so far. You loved Mike, and knew that he loved you, so there shouldn’t be any problem otherwise. 

The work that kept you so busy involved a lot of freelancing, you spent most of your days out in the bustling city of New York doing photography for whatever you could get your hands on. You did a lot of headshots and style shoots for up and coming actors and models, often continuing to work with them until they made their big break. You did the occasional wedding, though you absolutely hated doing them, the pressure of managing to do it all by yourself was way too heavy and you usually denied the offers unless they were _really _willing to pay. Otherwise you ended up doing engagement shoots, pregnancy announcements, the usual like. Occasionally you were blessed with being offered a gig photographing a Broadway show, which was always your favourite, being invited into a dress rehearsal, leaving you the freedom to move about the theatre and catch the most dazzling shots on your camera.__

__When you weren’t busy behind the camera, you spent basically all of your free time on your computer, obviously _hours_ of editing, self promotion and consulting with clients occurred. But your actual, on paper profession, involved writing a column for a local magazine, which is what you were so focussed on right now. You’d let it slip through the cracks the past couple of weeks and were anxious on being able to make the deadline with something that was actually worthy of publishing._ _

__You’d met Mike when you’d secured a photography job with the NYPD right when he’d passed his Sergeant’s exam. You’d done a shoot with all of the new graduates and the like, spending the afternoon surrounded by various levels of decorated officers. In complete honesty, you were so wrapped up with work you’d barely noticed Mike, you’d barely noticed anyone. But Mike certainly noticed you, the simple way you flitted about the room, staying respectful but still able to command the scene in front of your lens with absolute ease._ _

__He thought you were absolutely adorable and completely stunning in the same moment, professional but relaxed, keeping your head on straight but also laughing at jokes and making everyone who was the target of your camera feel more than comfortable infront of it. He’d spent most of the day wishing you’d had a spare moment so he could try to get a word in, wishing he’d had the balls to actually come talk to you._ _

__It was only the next day when he walked into the precinct that he saw the fresh stack of business cards you’d left on the front desk (and honestly, scattered around the entire building). Cops may be cops, but they still have pets, they have kids who have dance recitals and fancy birthday parties, engagements, weddings, graduations and the like. You weren’t about to pass up the opportunity to get some extra work._ _

__Mike discreetly grabbed a card, sending you a text a few hours later. You’d replied as professional as ever and when you asked about details, he insisted on talking over coffee. It was only once you were at the shop that he admitted he had ulterior motives, and hoped he wasn’t cutting into your work hours. You laughed it off, saying he was fine, you hadn’t had anything planned for the day anyways. Besides, he seemed sweet, and was hella cute, you weren’t about to turn down any flirtation from someone like him. Your coffee date did end up being cut short, though you weren’t that surprised, you knew he was a busy man. He promised to call you to set up an actual date, shooting you a dashing smile before he had to leave._ _

__Your first official date was a week later, Mike took you to dinner at one of the finer establishments in New York, you were surprised, but he was laying it on thick. There was something about you that completely intrigued him and he didn’t want to screw things up. That night ended in a soft yet intimate kiss, and the promise of a second date. Although, it took a while before your schedules lined up to embark on that. You kept texting throughout the time, promising him that it was okay when one of you had to duck out for a rain check._ _

__Finally, you had a last minute cancellation on a shoot and decided to shoot your shot, calling him from around the corner of his precinct when you knew he was about to clock out. Your second date involved vendor hot dogs and a walk through Central Park, but it was even better than your first as you continued to get to know each other. Over the months you spent more time at his apartment than you did your own, after all, all you mainly worked from home and all you needed to do that was wifi and a cell signal._ _

__It was easy to fall in love with Mike, he was soft, caring, and incredibly respectful, and it didn’t take long before you loved everything about him. Part of you was still hesitant about him being a cop, but he always assured you he wore his vest when needed, and was careful as ever, knowing you were usually waiting at his place at the end of the day. He was completely enamoured with you less than a month in, you were different than the normal women he’d dated in the past, so free spirited and independent and it made him absolutely weak in the knees._ _

__Today, Mike snuggled against you again as he drained his coffee and you fell back into his embrace, humming in satisfaction. He softly kissed at your shoulder, then up to your cheek, you turned your head to kiss him properly, knowing he was about to make his departure._ _

__“There’s lunch prepped in the fridge.” You murmured against his lips._ _

__“Anyone ever tell you you’re an angel?” He smirked. You laughed softly._ _

__“Only one particularly dashing man.”_ _

__“Oh?” He jokingly cocked a brow, “should I be concerned? Is it the the shoe obsessed man from the street corner?” You barked a laugh as he caged you in for another kiss._ _

__“No. He just tells me I’m _illuminating_.”_ _

__“He’s not wrong.” Mike kissed the tip of your nose gently and you felt your cheeks flush as he moved to the fridge, pulling the meal prep you’d left for him. “Are you staying here all day?”_ _

__“Probably.” You sighed. “I’ve got to finish this column and I’ve got a few shoots to edit.”_ _

__“Well then how about I pick up take out on the way home? I know how much you love that five cheese macaroni from Freemans.”_ _

__“You spoil me Mike.”_ _

__“You deserve it sweetheart.” He kissed you softly and you couldn’t help but smile at the way he cupped your cheek._ _

__“Okay, but the next dinner’s on me.”_ _

__“Deal.” He pecked your cheek, moving back to the counter before mixing and downing his pre workout. Your nose scrunched, you never knew how he could handle that much caffeine before heading into an office job, although he did probably burn it off during his morning workout, and you weren’t going to complain about his regular gym visits. He turned back to you quickly, giving you one more kiss, “I love you.”_ _

__“I love you too. Stay safe out there baby.”_ _

__He shot you a dazzling grin as he grabbed his bag, blowing you another kiss as he pulled the door open before leaving. You had to admit, Mike Dodds had you complete and utterly smitten with him._ _

__It was only once you’d heard the elevator ping through the door a few times that you dropped your head into your hands. You were exhausted, completely exhausted. As Mike had assumed, you’d gotten up early, probably much earlier than he’d even realized, and you’d stayed up much later than you said you did. But you had work to do, and you couldn’t let that slide, no matter how tired you thought you were, you knew you had the perfect remedy._ _

__Swiftly moving over to your purse you dug though it for a minute until you found the bottle of Advil, not that a pain reliever would help you right now, but no one would ever question a regularly used pill vile being in your bag. You dumped out a Dexedrine into your palm, easily pulling the pill apart, letting the beads drop into your mouth, chewing on them as you dropped the pill shell back into the bottle so Mike wouldn’t find it later. A friend from college who you kept in pretty regular contact with had a prescription to help her ADHD and wasn’t about to shy away from selling it to make some extra cash._ _

__You knew it wasn’t ideal, that it was technically illegal, and definitely not a good idea while dating a cop, but you had to do something to keep up with your work load. And the dex? It kept you going, kept you awake for days on end when you knew you should probably be sleeping. It had saved you from losing multiple gigs over the years and you weren’t about to start now. It was much better for your body than delving into something like coke, and kept you much more alert than simply relying on coffee. You had a deadline to meet and you weren’t about to miss it because your body was demanding sleep. As long as Mike never found out about your little secret, everything was fine._ _


	2. Chapter 2

Letting yourself into Mike’s apartment with the key he’d given you, you let out a sigh of relief, thankful that the day was over. You kicked off your shoes, moving through the entranceway, smiling when Mike greeted you from over the back of the couch. There were a few files scattered on the island that he’d already abandoned.

“Rough day?” You asked, moving through the kitchen.

“Just a tricky case.” He sighed, draining the beer he was currently working.

“You want another one?”

“Please.” 

Ditching your bag into a spare chair, you grabbed two beers from the fridge, crossing over into the living room. You placed them onto the coffee table, dropping down onto the couch, straddling Mike’s lap, your hands caressed through his dark locks, tilting his face up to yours. You softly kissed him, humming at the feel of his arms wrapping around you, holding you close to him. He sighed at the feeling of your weight against his body, a near comfort blanket after a crappy day.

“You sure you’re okay?” You murmured as you snuggled into his shoulder, accepting the extended embrace.

“I’m a hell of a lot better now.” He replied. You giggled, kissing his neck softly before you shifted so you were sitting across his lap, half facing the t.v. Mike’s arms loosened around you but stayed linked, kissing the back of your head.

“Who’s winning?”

“You actually care?” He teased.

“I mean…if you tell me a team name it’s not gonna make any difference.” He laughed at that.

“The yellow guys are winning.”

“Thanks.” You pecked his cheek, leaning forward to grab the beers, passing one to him. 

“This is PVR’d, I can watch it later.”

“Mmm.” You shook your head as you swallowed a swig of beer, “it’s fine. Besides, my ex used to always watch golf…where’s the fun in that? _Playing_ it’s not even exciting.”

“You _loved_ when I took you mini golfing!”

“Babe, that’s different! It was glow in the dark!” You kissed his cheek, “not to mention I had a damn cute partner.” He chuckled, stroking your cheek with his hand before kissing you gently, 

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” You nuzzled against his nose.

“Doubt that sweetheart.”

He kissed you again, lips tenderly moving against yours. His hands wrapped around your hips, your free hand cupped the back of his neck, playing with the soft hair. It was just as his tongue slipped into your mouth, deepening the kiss that his phone went off, he let out a huff of a groan, pecking you as he answered. 

“Dodds.” A slight pause as he moved to stand, easily scooping you up with his free arm, “oh, hey Dad.” You yelped as he dropped you down into an armchair.

“Mike!” You shrieked, doing your best to keep your now shaken beer from exploding. He shot you a silent grin and a wink as he crossed back to the open kitchen.

“Y/n. No…I specifically remember telling you about her at Easter.” He glanced back at you, adoration pouring from his eyes, “we’ll get around to that. What’d you need?” 

You gave him a warm smile before pulling out your phone, occupying yourself while he finished the conversation with his Father. You were secretly glad that Mike wasn’t one of those guys that absolutely insisted you meet his entire extended family within a month of dating. You hated the awkwardness that came with meeting the parents for the first time, you never knew if they were going to be chill about things or grill you on every aspect of your life. Even worse were the ones who were a little _too_ open when it came to sex lives, whether yours or their own. The first meet was just never a good experience, and you had no problem remaining Mike’s ‘ _secret girlfriend’_ a little longer.

You heard him say goodbye, thus ending the conversation as he crossed back into the living room. This time he plucked the beer from your hand, placing it on the coffee table before scooping you back up into his arms, tucking your frame into his lap back on the couch.

“He need anything important?”

“He wants me to transfer departments.”

“Oh?” Your voice was soft, hesitant almost. You were always a little worried whenever that idea crossed William’s mind, if he’d want Mike to transfer somewhere out of the city, or upgrade to something like the FBI, where things would be even more classified and he’d see you even less. There was that small part of you that was also worried it would be a transfer to narcotics, if he had that extra training it’d be easier for him to catch one of your slip ups.

“The Sergeant at Special Victims just got promoted to Lieutenant, they’ll need a new transfer in in the next couple of weeks.”

“What constitutes a special victim?” Your brow furrowed, having not a lot of knowledge about the specifics of law enforcement, you hadn’t heard the term before.

“Rape victims, elderly, kids…it’s the fancy name for sex crimes.”

“Kids?” Obviously you knew horrible things happened in the world, that anyone could be a victim but the thought still brought a hint of tears to your eyes.

“Yeah…” Mike stroked your cheeks gently, kissing your forehead in comfort. “It’s a tricky department, live victims, people who don’t really understand what they’ve gone through or how hard it might be afterwards…”

“I think you should take it…”

“Really?” His gaze returned to yours and you shrugged.

“It sounds like you’d…be helping the people who _really_ need it.”

“You’ve got a point there.” His hand absentmindedly rubbed up and down your arm while he thought it over for a moment.

“And not good days warrant extra snuggle time.” You half joked, nuzzling deeper against him, kissing at his neck.

“Well I would hope that would be part of the deal.” He kissed your hair softly, “you’re not always here though..”

“I’m only a phone call away when needbe, you know that.” You kissed his cheek, straightening in his lap as your hand played with his hair.

“What if you moved in?”

“I-what?” Your heart picked up at the thought, obviously you knew you loved each other, and had been together an appropriate amount of time. But you’d always pegged Mike to be the one to make a big gesture at monumental steps in your relationship. Hell, he’d put on a show for your one month anniversary like you were high school kids (though you couldn’t deny that it was the most adorable thing).

“Why not move forward in life all at the same time? Professionally and romantically. You’re here most of the time already, and…I _really_ like the idea of coming home to you every day.” He stroked your cheek for extra enunciation. “To know that the place I call home is the same place you call home.”

“You really are the _sweetest_ human being, aren’t you?”

“Is that a yes?” He smirked.

“One condition.”

“Name it.”

“Can we _please_ order pizza for dinner tonight? I have been craving a slice of greasy pepperoni all week!” He laughed,

“Just once slice?” Scoffing, you playfully smacked his chest.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the healthy influence you have on me, and a lot of it’s really good, but your girl needs some fast food!”

“Well… _my_ girl gets whatever she wants. So that’s a deal I can definitely say yes to.”

Giggling, you leaned in to kiss him softly as he reached for his phone to order dinner. Before you had met Mike, if someone had told you you’d end up in a serious, live-in relationship with a police sergeant you would’ve laughed in their faces. Yet here you were, incredibly happy, loved, and always feeling appreciated with your own little perfect sergeant, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.


	3. Chapter 3

The next couple of months honestly flew by, you got what you needed moved into Mike’s apartment and were more than happy with spending all of your time there instead of split between the two. He’d cleared away some space in the open living/dining room for you to be able to set up a little makeshift office, mainly for when you were working on your columns, you could edit photos anywhere. 

He had slowly settled into working with the SVU crew, though there were some complaints from him about them not being very open or welcoming. Though that wasn’t anything new, a lot of units saw him as nothing but a mole for Dodds Sr, reporting to the Chief of any shenanigans. He did his best to reassure them that he wasn’t there for that, and just wanted to learn the way they worked any become a better cop. 

You did notice that there were more late nights, and more phone calls in the middle of the night for these types of cases, and honestly, you were now more than ever happy that you lived together. This way you at least got to see each other as much as possible. You did have to keep more of a watchful eye on your _habit_ though, especially when it came to being up all night working thanks to it. There was one morning, barely past 4:30am when Mike got a call and had to head to a crime scene finding you perky as ever at the kitchen island working through edits on a shoot. He’d been shocked at first, you simply shrugged saying those five hour energy’s must really work. You promptly made a mental note to pick up a few bottles, keep the empties around as an excuse/proof if it happened again.

The following week had you spending nearly twenty hours with a wedding party, from shots of the empty venue/decorated church, to the back and fourth of getting ready with the bridal party and groomsmen. The ceremony, posed photos, limo rides to the reception, and everything that followed, not to mention remaining attentive, perky and approachable the entire time. This is why you hated doing weddings, but the dex certainly helped you through, both in energy and the socializing. When you’d finally crashed after the main event you realized your stash was out, and, as much as you hadn’t wanted to take it, you had another wedding booked the following week, but these guys were paying the big bucks and you weren’t about to turn it down. When you texted April she said she was currently waiting on her new prescription, but gave you another number to set something up with instead. 

Mike finally had a full day guaranteed off, and was taking you out to lunch at the Boathouse in Central Park, it had slowly become one of your favourites through your relationship. It wasn’t super expensive or fancy, but was a nice call back to when you’d first started dating, plus there was the added bonus of wandering through the park afterwards. Having Mike hold you close as you walked the pathways, nuzzling against his broad frame were some of your favourite memories. You’d gotten ready earlier, but just changed into a sundress for the occasion, your purse sat on the bed, a phone in your hands when Mike popped his head into the bedroom to see if you were ready.

“Hey-“ He stopped abruptly, his brow furrowing, “why do you have a burner?”

“What?” You half heard him, turning your gaze up to meet his, he nodded towards the phone in your hands from the doorway.

“You have a very on brand lilac iPhone, I’ve never seen you use that one.”

“Oh..” you stalled quickly, “it’s for work…keep things separate and all.”

“Don’t you use your iPhone for work?”

“For emails and social media, yeah. But..for calls, they come to this one.” Mike accepted your answer for a minute, beginning to turn out of the room before he paused,

“I only have one number for you and I called your business phone?”

“Oh..uh..” You tossed the burner into your bag, “that was before. After we met I had someone hassling me so I blocked the number and got the new phone, changed the cards.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His sudden concern warmed your heart, he moved a couple of steps into the room.

“It was nothing.” You waved it off, “it’s not like it was some stalker…just some self righteous Upper East Side Mom who thought my costs were overpriced.” You’d picked up your purse, crossing to him, a hand gently resting on his forearm as you popped up on your toes to give his cheek a kiss, “c’mon,” you teased, linking your hands, “we don’t wanna be late.”

*

It honestly was the perfect day to be out in the park, one where the sun was out, shining through the air, accompanied by the perfect amount of a breeze to keep things warm, but not too overheated. You were thankful for the table on the patio, looking out across the small lake as you dined. 

You sipped back a couple of mojitos while Mike opted for a few Stella’s instead. His hand lay on the bare skin of your thigh, thumb rubbing affetionately as you conversed over the past couple of weeks. He was incredibly happy to see the gorgeous smile on your face as you leaned in to steal a quick kiss, he knew you’d been overwhelmed with work the last little bit and he would do whatever he could to help. You brought a very welcoming light and spark to his life that he got to come home to each night after what could be a potentially heinous day at work. 

You dug into your salmon keenly, but were not afraid to snag a few fries from Mike’s plate, resulting in a series of giggles as he chased after you to steal a kiss. A day like this was exactly what you needed, you and Mike, in your own little bubble of romance simply just enjoying the warm day and each others’s love. 

He settled the bill, at least letting you take care of the tip (after all you had just made some wicked cash from that wedding shoot) before you left the restaurant. He circled an arm around your waist and you mimicked the movement, nuzzling against his shoulder briefly as you began your walk through the park. Conversation flowed when need be between you, little laughs and jokes littered with comfortable silence as you enjoyed your date.

You made a comment about how his gym visits were clearly paying off, pinching your hand around his bicep. Teasing him that he’d be strong as an ox soon, you shrieked as he scooped you up, pulling you to him for a laugh filled kiss. Your legs automatically wrapped around his waist, thankful the sundress you had on wasn’t that short, he spun you around as your head fell back in a laugh before kissing him softly again.

“Dodds?” A voice interrupted. Your legs immediately fell from his waist, knowing if someone was using his last name it was probably someone from work. The laugh remained on your face as he dropped you, keeping his arm wrapped around you as he turned to the source of the noise. 

“Lieutenant. Hi.” You gave a soft smile to the brunette woman, “Uh, Y/n, this is Lieutenant Olivia Benson, Lieu, this is my girlfriend y/n.” 

“It’s lovely to meet you.” You held out a hand in greeting, not surprised when her handshake was firm yet friendly.

“Well, now I know why Mike’s so eager to get home all the time.” She smiled, you laughed softly, a blush crossing your cheeks. 

“Oh I’m sure it’s the sports and not lil ole’ me.” You teased, poking Mike in the side. He half rolled his eyes at you, kissing the top of your head.

“Momma!” A tiny voice called out and a small boy toddled his way up to Olivia.

“And _who_ is this?!” You crouched down with a bright smile on your face, waving to the boy before glancing back up at Mike, “you didn’t tell me you had such adorable coworkers.” He heartedly laughed in response.

“This is Noah.” Olivia introduced.

“He’s so cute.” You complemented, “those cheeks! Yours or a nephew?”

“Mine.” Olivia smiled brightly, motherhood truly taking her over. You gave another little wave to Noah and he toddled right over to you into a hug, babbling some nonsense. You nodded enthusiastically in agreement, cooing right back at him before he grabbed your finger and started to drag you back to the playground with him.

“Oh!” You laughed, glancing to Olivia, “is this okay?”

“He’s all yours.” She smiled as the toddler directed you back to the sand and his toys. 

You happily dropped down and played kid instantly, the bright smile on your face not leaving as Noah directed you through various tasks and showed off whatever he wanted to, talking half in English, but mainly in toddler speak. Mike couldn’t help but watch with a smile on his face, his heart warming at just how well you were with kids.

“She seems wonderful.” Olivia commented.

“She really is.” He replied.

“I’m glad you have someone to go home to at the end of the day. How long have you been together?”

“Just over a year.” He smiled, “she moved in right around the time I transferred in.”

“Good for you.” Liv laughed softly as Noah plopped right down in your lap before picking up a small shovel again, relying on your coordination to actually get the sand into said bucket. “Has she been by the squad room? I swear I’ve seen her before.”

“No…but she’s done some photography work with the NYPD, that’s how we met actually.”

“Huh…” Olivia thought back, “that’s right…it was my Sergeant’s ceremony, it was a few years ago…she definitely seems happier now.” She nudged his arm with her elbow and he smiled. 

Their conversation continued on for a while longer, watching the view of you with Noah, giving Liv a little bit of a break from Mom duty before they joined in. You adored the sight of Mike with a toddler, he was so naturally good with them it make you swoon. Your eyes glanced to your watch and you realized what time it almost was, moving to stand.

“I’m just gonna run to the bathroom.” You pecked Mike’s head.

“We can head home?” He offered.

“No.” You shook your head, “I’ll be right back, lightning fast. Promise.” You ducked to kiss his cheek once more before darting off down the path. 

Truthfully, it was probably insanely stupid to be doing something like this while you were technically in the company of two cops, but you weren’t about to miss out right now. The bathroom was around the corner from the playground, close enough that it wouldn’t take you too long, but far enough that there would be no following eyes. 

Before you rounded the bend, you pulled the coffee-less, but not empty Starbucks cup from your bag, your free hand double checking the burner for any updated text messages. Despite April being your normal go to, this wasn’t your first time doing something like this, you spotted who you were looking for, sliding onto the bench beside them.

“Nice day.” He greeted, a small smile on his face.

“Figured you might want a pick me up.” You handed him the coffee.

“Thanks.” He faked a sip from it.

“They had your favourite cookies today.” He exchanged the coffee for the bag, which honestly did have a cookie in it, waiting for a jogger to pass before he spoke again, his voice quieter “Listen, turns out I’m pretty low on dex, you got all my supply. I finished the fill with some oxy, threw in some extra for your troubles. You had it before?”

“Yeah.” You replied, placing the paper bag into your purse, “college got pretty wild.” He laughed,

“I feel that.” He raised his hand in a high five, handshake that you accepted, “good to see ya, hopefully we’ll meet again.”

“You can count on it.” You smiled, leaning in in a fake hug, “and…keep an eye out today. There’s plain clothed cops in the park.”

“You’re not some kinda narc are you?” 

“No.” You scoffed, “my..boyfriend works for NYPD. And no, he obviously doesn’t know about this. But we ran into his lieutenant at the playground around the corner. I’d hate for this to be the last time we see each other.”

“Thanks man.” He gave you a pat on the back, “I’ll switch it up. Have a good one.”

You gave a quick nod and a soft smile as you stood. You triple checked that the bag was inside the small zipper on the inside of your purse, you’d have to find a quiet moment once you got home to transfer them into an old prescription bottle of your own. Once you’d moved in with Mike you realized the Advil bottle wasn’t going to be a good enough cover, you were both pretty open with each other and you had no problem with him going through your purse. But the last thing you wanted was him searching for a painkiller and finding exactly not that.

There were definitely moments you wondered why on earth you had said yes to a date with a cop, to basically settling down with one, but as you rounded back to the playground and saw him with Noah, you remembered. You loved Mike, more than anything, and he made you feel like a complete princess, even with his hectic schedule and demanding job you always knew you were his number one, and that was the best high a girl could get.


	4. Chapter 4

You’d had a couple of rough days, a rough week leading into two actually. Mike got so caught up in a major case at work that he was barely home, and when he was, it was usually just to sleep. You were thankful for having those brief hours, and no matter how wired you were, you made sure to spend them in bed snuggling with him. At this point he’d even been ditching his workouts, you made sure he had enough to eat, making sure his coffee was ready by the time he had to go, and always reminded him how much you loved him before he left the apartment.

Going through countless photos to edit day after day was taking a toll on you, you were at peak season for engagement and wedding shoots and way past exhausted. Not to mention that honestly, brides (and their mothers) were the _worst_ to deal with, expecting photos to be done the next morning when you had over 5000 to go through. In turn, you’d turned down a couple of other smaller not so pricey gigs, and ended up with some horrible reviews on your business’s page because of it. You knew you could easily delete them, but a business with nothing but stellar reviews looked suspicious from ever angle. Instead you buckled down and sucked it up.

And since things always happened in threes, you got a very long and stern lecture from your boss at the paper. Your column wasn’t reading as high as it used to, she blamed the quality going down, saying you were to focussed on your personal career instead of this one. You assured her that you were spreading yourself evenly between them but she was still very harsh and quick to remind you that ‘ _everyone was replaceable’._

When you got home from that meeting you were nearly in tears from the frustration over everything. You could deal with one thing at a time, but everything crashing at once was just too much sometimes. You thought about delving into the bottle of wine you’d picked up on the way home but it was supposed to go with dinner. You’d all but settled into the island with your laptop and the thousands of photos when you remembered what else you had in your purse..it wasn’t just dex anymore. 

You’d only popped Oxy a few times in college, at that point you were more into the harder and much more illegal shit, but you remembered that you liked the high, and that it wasn’t a crazy bad one. You were still able to function, work and the like, but that your worries melted away, everything around you felt more pleasing and the discouragement vanished. 

Hopping off the stool you grabbed the bottle out of your bag, it was a fast reflex to crush up the tablet, pulling a bill from your bag to roll up and snort the powder, knowing it would hit you faster and better that way. You made sure the products were hidden and any residue was wiped free of the counter before you settled back in to work. Within fifteen minutes you felt the high settling in, the positivity you’d previously been lacking overtaking your brain, and finally, things felt okay again. 

You were able to speed through your editing, your negative thoughts rethinking every slide you make vanished from your brain. You knew you weren’t doing a shit job, you just weren’t second guessing yourself a thousand times, worried that they’d hate it anymore. It wasn’t like you’d never edited high before, and you always double checked them before you sent them off to the recipients.

What you weren’t expecting was the sound of keys in the door practically hours before you thought Mike would be home. At first you jumped at the sound, thinking the super was trying to get in or something, but your heart swelled at the sight of your boyfriend as he entered the apartment.

“Babe! What are you doing here?” You greeted him with a warm smile, your attention fully off your laptop.

Mike smiled, dropping his keys in the bowl by the door while he shrugged off his jacket, moving through the kitchen.

“I missed you sweetheart.” He cupped your cheek, kissing you gently, his lips moving with grace against yours, “we’re at a standstill. Benson knew I’d barely been home, offered to let me go early. And I’d much rather spend time with you.”

“Course.” You laughed, nuzzling against him before kissing him again.

“You seem in better spirits than when I left?” His arms stayed wrapped around your waist, holding you close in the moments he knew he could.

“Meeting wasn’t a bad as I thought it was gonna be.” You lied, “and I’ve been firing through these edits. I guess I just needed the right motivation to get me going.” You kissed him ever so softly, “but I can take a break if you’re home.”

“You don’t need to, keep doing what you do best sweetheart.” He kissed the side of your head, “would you rather go out for dinner or order in?”

“Order in?” You cocked a brow, “cause then we can eat on the couch and get extra snuggle time?” You teased. Mike chuckled, kissing you again.

“Sounds perfect.” He moved over to the take out menus stuck to the fridge, “any preferences?”

“Uhm….” You nearly got lost in thought, to be completely honest, you weren’t hungry at all, and you knew you wouldn’t be for hours, “no Chinese?” You shrugged, “I’m just not feelin’ it, but whatever you want should be good, you know my favourites.” Mike shot you a meltworthy grin and wink as he skimmed through the menus and his phone for a few minutes, placing an order.

“What’d’you think about Thanksgiving?”

“Turkey’s overrated, it’s all about the side dishes.” You replied instantly, your eyes still on your computer screen, pulling a laugh from Mike.

“I meant about celebrating it.” He moved back to your side of the island, settling on the stool beside you.

“Oh…uh..I usually don’t.”

“How would you feel about celebrating with me?”

“You have a holiday off from work?” You half teased, knowing how busy he always was.

“There may be a few advantages to being the Chief’s son…though…the come with restrictions.”

“Which are?” You felt your heart rate pick up, you had a general idea on what Mike was about to say.

“I’m allowed major holiday’s off if I attend the family gatherings.” 

“So you’re really asking me if I’ll come to Thanksgiving at your Dad’s house?”

“Yes.” He softly sighed, “he wants to meet you. And sweetheart, I love you more than anything, I know it can be a lot to meet the parents, especially my Dad. If you don’t want to I understand.”

“No….Mike..I love you. I always will,” you pecked his cheek softly, “and if you want me to meet your family, I will. Even if it stresses me out beyond all hell.” You both chuckled. Thanksgiving was still nearly three months away, at least Mike was giving you more than enough warning and time to mentally prepare.

“You sure?”

“Will there be wine?” You joked, pulling a laugh from Mike.

“There will be more than enough wine, believe me.”

“Then we have a deal Sargent.” You leant forward, kissing him as your hand wrapped around his neck. 

“Perfect.” He murmured agaisnt your lips “I love you.”

“‘I love you too baby.”

You pecked his lips again once more, sighing at the feeling of his body against yours. You put away your work, knowing it could wait until tomorrow, and if Mike came home early, you wanted nothing but to spend your free time together. You snuggled deep against each other on the couch with the wine you’d picked up while you waited for your takeout. When it got there you were surprised that Mike didn’t go for his favourite, but rather one of yours.

He knew you’d been having a rough couple of weeks and he felt horrible that he was stuck at work for much longer hours than normal. As the case blew up and exploded all he wanted was to be by your side to make sure you were okay, and to have you by his side to reassure himself that work wasn’t all there was to life. In an attempt to make up for it, he not only came home from work early, but chose your favourite things for dinner, holding you tight to him while you caught up on t.v. And when you finally collapsed against the sheets of your bed, he was more than willing to make sure that you were the happiest you could be before the two of you drifted off to a peaceful sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Monday mornings were always rough, even if you typically worked from home, Mondays were always the day you had to go into the office to go over columns, get the new schedule of events for the next month and the like. It especially sucked if you’d spent the entire weekend filled with photography shoots, the only thing you wanted to do was sleep and recover. Immediately after Mike left for the gym, you popped a dex to give you the little bit of extra boost, washing down the tiny chewed beads with a swig of coffee as you dashed out the apartment door to start your day.

As it turned out, this Monday morning sucked a hell of a lot worse than normal. Your boss had a meeting scheduled with you, as usual, but this time, it wasn’t about the following month. It was about the fact that they believed you weren’t up to your usual standard recently, and thus they were letting you go. Since you’d just handed over a months worth of writing, they had more than enough time to find a replacement, but screwed you over in the process. 

Dredging yourself back to the apartment you were thankful to find it empty, Mike had gone straight to work from the gym. You tugged off your business clothes, replacing them with your comfiest sweats and one of Mike’s NYPD tshirts, you nearly laughed at the irony as you reached into your purse and dumped a couple of oxy’s into your hand. You were almost on the brink of tears after losing your job, you knew this would at least help make you feel better while you did nothing for a few hours before sucking it up and starting your photo editing. You pocketed your phone, keeping the pills in your hand as you headed to the kitchen, you’d need a knife to crush them up. 

Rounding the corner from the hallway you yelped, your heart suddenly racing in your chest as you collided with something solid that wasn’t the wall. It honestly took you a second to even realize it was Mike, suddenly you were very glad that you’d chosen pants with pockets, dropping the oxy into one.

“Jesus! You scared the crap outta me!” You gently pushed at his chest, “I thought you were at work.”

“I forgot a couple case files.” He kissed your cheek quickly, moving over to the desk to sift through his pile of stuff. “I thought Monday was your office day?”

Fuck. You figured he would bring it up sooner or later but you’d wished you had at least a little bit more recovery time before you had to admit to it.

“About that…” he could sense the worry in your voice, turning suddenly, concern etched on his features.

“Sweetheart what?”

“I..uh…they let me go…” you glanced up to him, tears rimming your eyes, the ones you’d been hoping to avoid. 

“Well that’s their fucking loss then.” He wrapped you into a tight hug, kissing the top of your head gently, “I’m so sorry sweetheart. Your writing was incredible.”

“You read that garbage?” Your laugh was watery, muffled against his chest. Mike let his arms loosen, settling around your waist.

“While I’ll admit it wasn’t my cup of tea, I wanted to support you.”

“Do you even realize how absolutely incredible you are?” He chuckled softly, ducking to kiss you gently. His palm cupped your cheek, thumb wiping away at the few stray tears.

“I can call Liv, work from home the rest of the day if you’d like.”

“Oh, no! I’ll be fine,” you squeezed at his arms, “maybe check out some job listings.” You mumured, “you go do your thing, put those bad guys away.”

“You sure?” 

“Yeah.” You practically melted at the adoration in his eyes, a small smile on your face as it reminded you just how much he fucking loved you. You popped up on your toes, kissing him quickly, “text me when you’re done and I’ll start dinner.”

“Okay.” Mike kissed you once more before grabbing the files, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Smiling at him as he shot back out of the doorway you let out a heavy sigh once it was shut, that had been a little too close for comfort. You could probably have passed them off as ibuprofen, although that would mean taking them orally and that would just be a waste of two good pills. 

Waiting long enough you knew he wouldn’t be coming back for another forgotten thing right away you played with your phone. Once you were sure he wasn’t about to pop back up you pulled the pills from your pocket, crushing them with a butter knife before snorting them. It wasn’t long before the high hit and the previous worries of the days were floated away, your serotonin keeping you otherwise occupied as you turned on some mindless t.v.

As the weeks melted into months you found yourself relying more and more on the manufactured happiness than being able to find your own. Aside from your scheduled shoots you barely left the apartment except to go on your morning runs, which, thanks to the extra energy from the dex, were becoming longer and longer. And they were just an excuse to meet up with Jordan (or at least that was what he’d told you his name was after the second exchange you’d made). He ended up giving you a decent discount if you were able to tell him when cops would be in specific areas when Mike’s squad was trying to make a bust, and considering you were down one of your jobs, that was more than helpful.

You spent your days trying to keep yourself distracted, pouring over books, writing whatever you could bring your brain to do, even if it wasn’t for work. You didn’t want to lose that muscle or creativity in case you managed to land another writing gig. Otherwise you were editing, editing and editing, trying to fill your calendar with as many photoshoots as you could. 

The dex had a similar high to cocaine, meaning that you could go for days on end, and your stomach never growled. You’d taken up the habit of accepting Mike’s usual morning smoothie, packed with fruits, veggies and protein powder, it was easily more than enough to get you through the day. Not to mention you didn’t have to worry when Mike commented on your weight loss. You simply kissed him, saying his healthy habits must’ve just been rubbing off on you, and those morning runs certainly were paying off. In return he joked that he’d have to get you into the gym to start lifting weights and you laughed that off, saying you were much happier sticking to your at home yoga.  
As September morphed into October, Mike asked if maybe you wanted to do something a little more special for your upcoming two year anniversary. True, it wasn’t until just after the new year, but he was hoping for a something a little more tropical than New York in January. You were obviously a little hesitant, being down one job, but happily agreed to at least plan some fantasy vacations. If one had to wait until your third anniversary, that was more than okay with the both of you. 

Over the summer and leading into the fall, you found yourself chasing the high that the oxy had given you the first time, wanting to feel that good on a daily basis, numb yourself from the crap that was your daily life. Work kept you busy and beyond stressed on a regular basis. You knew you couldn’t become reliant on Mike, as much as he was the greatest part of your life and you loved him more than ever. And you knew he loved you just as much, he always made sure that you knew that every opportunity he could. He worked a lot, and was busy, you’d never had an issue with that before, you couldn’t start now just because you were struggling, so you threw yourself into the bottle. You upped your weekly pick ups from Jordan, it felt like you were crushing up more pills each week, but the end result was that you were happy, or at least numb to the overbearing weight of dread over your shoulders.

You were always happiest at the end of the day, when you got to curl up in Mike’s arms, his hand softly playing with your hair while he murmured how much he loved you. You’d simply smile, kissing at his chest, returning the sentiment as the two of you drifted off, incredibly happy knowing you had the other in your life.


	6. Chapter 6

Autumn had taken over the city, the trees turning gorgeous shades of orange and red, your outdoor photo shoot load increased, and you were always busy promoting to tourists coming into the city. They always fawned over having a ‘professional’ photographer with them for half a day or a full day as they explored the city, and you could charge a little bit more to those willing to splurge on having the perfect vacation memories. 

Autumn also meant you’d reached October, that Thanksgiving was just around the corner and to be completely honest, you were more than nervous to meet the Dodd’s family. Even if it was just Mike’s immediate family, that still included a couple of Aunts and Uncles along with his Dad and Step Mom. The idea of dining in the police chief’s house that night just stressed you out. You made sure to pick out your most respectful cocktail dress, simple make up on your face while your hair was curled perfectly, pinned back half up. Today you had to do your best of fitting the Stepford Wife stereotype and you’d go all out if it meant getting the approval you needed. 

Mike ducked, kissing your cheek softly as you picked a necklace from your jewelry box, his hands swiftly taking it from yours, clasping it behind your head. His eyes met yours in the mirror as he kissed the back of your head,

“You look absolutely beautiful sweetheart.”

You blushed at his words, eyes casting down briefly before meeting his in a soft smile, he gave you a soft squeeze before ducking into the bathroom. You took advantage of the alone time, your hand ducking into your purse, pulling a dex from your pill bottle. Despite your normally extroverted job, you were pretty shy, and in situations like this, something giving you a little boost to keep you talkative and friendly was more than welcomed. You’d only just dumped the shell of the pill back into your bag when Mike emerged from the bathroom.

“You ready?” He asked, his smile as adorable as ever as he crossed the room, picking up your jacket on the way.

“As I’ll ever be.” You sighed, doing your best to give him a tight smile.

“They’ll love you.” He kissed your forehead before guiding you into the sleeves of your coat, linking his fingers with yours as you left the apartment.

As you pulled up to the Brownstone you realized the amount your hands were trembling, the way your heart was pounding in your chest, you felt jittery and somewhat like you were going to puke. Your shaking hands delved into your bag for a different pill bottle, one you weren’t worried about pulling out in front of your boyfriend. The pop of the plastic coming open grabbed his attention as you slipped the pill underneath your tongue.

“It’s just Ativan.” You murmured, averting your gaze as the pill dissolved.

“Hey…” Mike’s hand softly laid across your thigh, “we don’t have to do this if you really don’t want to. I’ll tell them I’m not feeling well, we can do something easy like coffee with Dad instead.”

“No.” You shook your head, hand curling around his, “I just…parent’s already have a tendency not to like me…especially ones as high up as yours. When…I get nervous I start to stumble over my thoughts…I stutter, fuck up my words..it’s just..embarrassing.” You admitted, trying to hold back the emotion in your eyes, surprised at the feel of Mike’s warm palm cupping your cheek.

“Are you sure?” Glancing up his soft hazel eyes bore into yours with the utmost care and adoration and you couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He smiled, leaning in to kiss you gently, murmuring against your lips, “I love you. Don’t forget that.”

“I love you too.”

Overall, the initial introductions weren’t as horrible as you’d expected them to be, you attributed that to be the two pills bringing you up and down in the right directions, and Mike’s hand not once leaving the small of your back or your hand. William seemed friendly enough so far, but you still felt out of place on the Upper East Side. You gratefully accepted the glass of Pinot Grigio offered to you, keeping mainly to yourself as the chit chat flowed through the sitting room as dinner was finished off. You were glad to stay under the radar as William grilled Mike about his time at SVU, spending more than enough of the free time bragging about how wonderful his son was to anyone who would listen.

The announcement of dinner couldn’t come quick enough, and you let out a shaky sigh at the news, feeling the way Mike’s hand squeezed at yours as you stood. His lips hit the side of your head softly, holding you close to him while he murmured something about making a quick escape after dessert was served. You couldn’t help but love him even more in that moment, without even a word he knew how uncomfortable you were.

Once settled at the table, the dishes got passed around, Mike smirking at the way you, as previously stated, completely bypassed the turkey, filling your plate with small scoops of all the side dishes. It didn’t go unnoticed by his step-mother either, her voice cutting through the clinking of plates.

“Mike didn’t tell us you were a vegetarian, there’s bacon in the sprouts dear.”

“Oh.” You awkwardly laughed, “not vegetarian, just, not the biggest turkey fan.” You did your best to give her a warm smile, “thank you though.”

“You know, Mike hasn’t told us much about you at all.” Will cut in, his gaze directed to you as he picked up his utensils. Your cheeks heated, and you were ever thankful for the feeling of Mike’s warm hand on your thigh. “He said you were a photographer, you must be busy in the studio for fashion week.” You couldn’t help the small laugh that burst from your lips.

“Uh..no..” you nibbled over a bite of potato, “it’s more freelance work. New and upcomers who need headshots or portfolio’s, engagement shoots, family Christmas cards, the occasional wedding, that kinda stuff.” Thankful for the break you sucked back probably more wine than intended.

“So you’re not a professional then?”

“Dad.” Mike cut in sternly, though your hand waved him off, you could do your best to stand your own.

“I get paid to do it and I pay taxes on my business, so technically, yes I do it professionally.”

“Well I think that’s wonderful.” An Aunt who’s name you couldn’t remember prompted. Though she was closer to your age than her elderly husband and you couldn’t help but think she was just around waiting for a will payout.

“Thank you.” You bashed.

“Her work’s incredible, she’s wonderfully talented.” Mike retorted against his father, “I mean, you did hire her for a graduation shoot, more than once.”

“I did?” William’s furrowed brow focussed on you, “I don’t remember.”

“Well you thought she did a great job.” Mike leaned in, kissing your cheek gently, giving your thigh a reassuring squeeze. 

William thankfully dropped it then as conversation continued to move throughout the table. Someone refilled your wine glass without you asking, you had a suspicion it was the supportive Aunt from earlier but weren’t totally sure. The plates were finally being cleared, you’d been planning on offering to help originally, but somehow weren’t surprised to find the Dodds had their own specific brand of help for nights like tonight. Dessert began to be doled out, and you politely declined. Mike had noticed you’d barely picked at your food and chalked it up to nerves, mentally noting to make sure you ate before bed once you got home. More liquor was poured as the table settled again, you briefly leant against Mike’s shoulder, laying a kiss against his shirt as everyone was distracted with their food.

“Y/N,” William’s voice cut through your thoughts and you did your best not to audibly groan.

“Yes?” You smiled sweetly at the man.

“I’m remembering something about a writing job, are you not writing for a column too?”

“Ah…” you laughed awkwardly, “not anymore. That ended at the beginning of summer.”

“Oh I’m sorry.” Will replied, “well with a journalism degree I’m sure you won’t have trouble finding something to replace it with. I’ve got a few connections that could help you find a _real_ job.”

You took a breath, doing your best to not let his words get under your skin, you knew his type, the Dodds family type. You’d dealt with them for years growing up and through your young adulthood, they were the ones who demanded every ounce of effort from you with minimal payback from them, but all things considered, you were right on the edge.

“Afraid there’s no journalism degree.” You smiled meekly over another large gulp of wine.

“Publishing? Linguistics? If it’s liberal arts I may have to pull a few strings but I’m sure I could find you something.” He replied and you gave a watery chuckle into your wine.

“I-uh..I didn’t actually go to college. Some of us don’t exactly have the road paved for us once we’re born, I chose to pursue what I loved rather than bury myself in student loans.”

“Your parents didn’t help you out?”

This time you avoided his gaze, knowing your cheeks were flushed, your eyes doing their best not to blur with tears. You hadn’t even told Mike about your childhood, and suddenly you were wishing you had because maybe you could have avoided this moment.

“No…” you breathed out, sucking back another sip of Pinot, “they kicked me out at eighteen once the government stopped paying them for taking care of me.” You dared a glance up at the chief as you felt Mike’s hand squeeze at your leg, understanding your words before his father did, “I was raised in foster homes. I learnt what I was good at and did my best to use it to make a living for myself. Not like I had much of a choice.” The last sentence was murmured mainly to yourself, but you knew Mike heard it, his hand giving you a reassuring stroke.

“Well I sure hope she’s not taking advantage of you Mikey.” William’s voice suddenly hardened as both your gazes shot up to him.

“Dad!”

“Excuse me?” You were doing the best to hide the shake in your voice, “just because I come from misfortune doesn’t mean I’m some beggar.” You glanced at Mike, barely registering the astonished expression on his face, “I love your son, very much, and that’s all that should matter here. And if you’re so concerned, I pay the exact same amount of bills as he does. Just because it’s freelance doesn’t mean it won’t support me. I’ve made it this far.”

Whatever amount of courage you had suddenly vanished as you sunk back into your chair. You were more than well aware of the sets of eyes on you, the fact that you’d probably ruined yet another family Thanksgiving. This is why you hated going to shit like this, why you hated meeting the parents. William seemed somewhat flabbergasted by your outburst, deciding to occupy himself with his dessert over replying to you. You felt Mike’s hand tense around your leg, knowing he was fighting with himself over digging into it further, your hand squeezed his wrist softly as you murmured a soft ‘it’s fine’ against your wine glass. 

Thankfully one of the Aunts quickly redirected the conversation and you were able to suck back the rest of your wine. You leaned closer to Mike as the minutes weaned on, kissing at his cheek before you asked where the bathroom was. He was sure to kiss your forehead, directing you in the right place, you shot him a warm smile as you ducked around the corner.

In that moment, you were incredibly thankful that you had the pessimistic thoughts earlier in the day, you’d tucked a few oxy’s into your bra. You knew the night was going to be stressful, downtrodden at the least, and a little something to make you feel happy would _really_ help right now. You never discussed your upbringing, and it had all come out on the dinner table tonight, and part of you wanted to burst into tears over it. 

You dug though the basin, searching for a razor blade, or something that could crush the pills, snorting them the instant you did, making sure to clear the basin of all the powder. You sniffed heavily a couple of times, trying to get as much as the drug into your system as quickly as possible. Figuring you should actually use the bathroom in case Mike questioned your second use too soon after, you did so, washing your hands right before there was a soft knock on the door.

“Sweetheart?” You half groaned, not wanting to delve into this bullshit right now, but you took a deep breath, drying your hands on the towel before you unlocked the door, pulling it open to reveal your loving boyfriend.

“I’m fine…” you murmured, keeping your still slightly tears gaze away from him. You knew the oxy would only take a few minutes to hit.

“You sure?” Mike asked, and as much as he had a million questions about your past, he wasn’t going to pry right now, he just wanted to make sure you were okay.

“Yeah.” You gave him a small smile as he linked his hand in yours, leading you back to the dining room. It was right as you reached the end of the hall that you realized your heart was racing, your vision was suddenly blurred. Your head dropped as you clutched at your chest, your breaths gasping suddenly, your hand grasping around Mike’s arm, “Something’s not right…help..” 

You only managed the four words before you collapsed into his arms, your breathing so shallow he was worried you weren’t breathing at all, yelling for a bus. Despite the earlier interrogations no one in his family was about to combat his need, and it was with a heavy heart that they watched he climbed into the back of an ambulance with your unconscious form.


	7. Chapter 7

Mike returned into your hospital room with a fresh cup of coffee to the surprise of you being awake, sitting up and scrolling through your phone. Your movement stalled the moment you saw him, glancing up at him with a wary look in your eyes.

“What’re you doing here?” You asked hesitantly.

“What’d’you mean? I was worried about you sweetheart.” He placed the coffee down on the small table, turning back to you.

“I looked at my chart...I know you know about the tox screen…” you mumbled, playing with your hands as you avoided his gaze.

“Well then you know it was an bad interaction and not an overdose.” You nodded, “when did you even take them?”

“The dex was right before we left….you saw the Ativan, the oxy was in the bathroom…right before..”

“Sweetheart you _really_ scared me.”

“‘M sorry…” You felt like a class a moron right about now. You half forgot about the dex, you were so riled up from the dinner conversations the only track in your mind was chasing the oxy high to make you feel better. 

“Dodds, sorry I’m late.”

Your eyes widened, the earlier tears of guilt suddenly replaced with shock and worry as Lieutenant Benson rounded into the room.

“You called your boss!” You shot to Mike, oh God, what _had_ you done? “You can’t arrest me!”

“Honey no, not if you’re a victim.” Olivia started, “what happened?” She asked to Mike.

“It’s not that.” He hurriedly assured her, “she just passed out at dinner.”

“Oh God, I’m so sorry for intruding. The nurse saw you in here and assumed, sent me your way. You okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine. Just an idiot.”

“Okay.” She smiled warmly, “you two get home safe, I’m gonna find out where I’m supposed to be.”

“Yeah.” Mike nodded before turning back to you. “It’s not like you had anything on you but the Ativan prescription in your name anyway.”

“Thought it was pretty fucking dumb to take illegal drugs into a police chief’s house.”

“Figured you’d leave them at your apartment where you live with your cop boyfriend? Or do you have some secret stash house I don’t know about.” He teased, earning a glare from you, but at least you were looking at him now.

“Why are you still here?”

“Because I needed to make sure you were okay. And I care about you, don’t think for a second that I don’t still love you.” He perched on the edge of your bed, making sure you were still listening, letting the words sink in.

“Why bother? You’re a police sergeant with a well respected background and I’m just a…waste of space.” You wiped away a stray tear, surprised when Mike caught your wrist in his hand, gaining your attention again.

“You are _so_ much more than a waste of space.”

“Sure doesn’t feel like it.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about your childhood?”

“It’s embarrassing.” You shrugged, “yanked out of my home at eight, tossed around the system for a decade and then thrown out on my ass before I was even graduated cause I wasn’t a paycheque anymore, yeah, great story.”

“What happened to your parents?”

“Don’t know my Dad, pretty sure my Mom doesn’t even know who he is, and I’m sure you can guess what her issue was.”

“Drugs…”

“Yeah…” you wiped away another tear, “super into meth. She od’d when I was twelve.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“How long do I have to pack my stuff?” You murmured.

“What?” Mike was slowly realizing just how broken you were, you’d done such a good job at keeping it hidden the past few years he had no idea. You were crumbling slowly right in front of him and he hadn’t even noticed.

“Mike…you should just go…I’ll never be good enough for you…I was never good enough for anyone..I doubt it’s gonna start now.”

“Hey…hey…” he tilted your head up to him, wrapping a consoling arm around you, “you are good enough for me, a little hiccup like this isn’t going to scare me off.”

“But…your Dad…and now this?”

“My Dad can be a fucking asshole, half the time he doesn’t even realize it. For what it’s worth he is worried about you.”

“Oh God!” Your eyes widened in panic, “please…please don’t tell him about what actually happened tonight. He already hates me enough.” You felt a whole new set of tears invading your eyes, even if Mike wasn’t about to walk away the thought of his Father knowing the truth about tonight terrified you. You were sure that even if Mike wanted to fight for you, William would be sure that the two of you ended it.

“I won’t.” Mike leaned in, kissing the side of your head, “but there is a condition.” He glanced down at you, a semi stern but still loving expression on his face and you knew what was coming, “you have to stop this sweetheart…how long has it been going on?” You took a shaky breath, wiping away another tear.

“The dex….was more…recreational. I never had a problem with it, but it’s been a few years, it just helps me stay up, get more work done…” you sniffled, leaning into his embrace in a way to hide your face from his as you admitted your truths, “the oxy…since summer…it started out small but…got out of hand..I just couldn’t stop…I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me.” He stroked at your cheek, making sure your attention was still on him, “are you willing to give this up? Because I’m more than willing to help you through this, but it’s not going to be easy.”

“I know…” you wiped away a few tears, “and I am. I don’t want to destroy us because I can’t control myself.”

“Okay.” He smiled softly, “you’ve got some choices to make.”

“No rehab! Please.” You eyes silently begged at his, “I can tough it out, detox at home.”

“Are you sure? Matt said it was literal hell and he went to rehab.”

“Wait..your brother Matt?”

“Yeah sweetheart. Doesn’t matter where you come from, we all have our baggage.”

“Hmm…”

“You wanna do it at home?”

“Yeah..” you murmured, “I watched my Mom go through it, I know what I’m in for. I can tough it out.”

“Okay.” He kissed your cheek softly, “no more pills, no more burner phone, no more secrets, you promise?”

“I promise.” You held his gaze while you made your decloration, you needed him to know you were serious, “I don’t wanna end up like my Mom.”

“You won’t. You’re strong as hell, I already know that. But if things start to get too hard, or you start to slip, you’ll go to rehab, deal?”

“Deal.” Sighing, you melted into his embrace, humming at the feeling of his lips ghosting over your hair, “thank you…for not deserting me.”

“Sweetheart I hate to break it to you, but you’re _stuck_ with me.” He smiled at the sound of your quiet giggle, knowing that you were at least feeling a little bit better than when the conversation started.

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

There was a part of you that was absolutely terrified in that moment, despite being calmed down, wrapped in Mike’s arm. You weren’t a hundred percent sure you could do this, and you knew it was going to be like living in hell for the next week at the least. As stated, you’d watched your Mother go through withdrawal when she ran out of money to buy more, the memories burnt into your brain even from so long ago. You knew there was no going back now though, Mike may currently be soft and accepting but you knew he wasn’t afraid to pull out the bigger threats if you kept up your habit. You were going to have to be completely honest and open with him if you didn’t want to lose his trust, and you certainly didn’t want that.


	8. Chapter 8

To say the next twelve hours were absolute garbage would be an understatement. Despite being completely exhausted and home around midnight, Mike was insistent on you passing over everything you had right then. He was honestly surprised at not only the amount you had, but the multiple places it was stashed around the apartment, places he never would have even thought to try and look if he knew you were hiding something. You handed over the burner phone along with your Iphone, wincing at the way Mike searched through both to make sure you didn’t have numbers saved anywhere on your real phone. 

When he noticed the way your eyes were beginning to fade, tears leaking into the corner of them despite you saying you were fine while your hands started to shake he suggested you try and get some sleep. Making sure there was a Gatorade and water at the bedside for you he tucked you in, giving you a soft kiss, assuring you he’d be in as soon as he could. He joined you not long afterward, happy to see that you were actually out by now, you’d originally been tossing and turning. 

Not that it lasted long. A mere three hours later he woke up to the sound of you throwing up, though at this point it was really only dry heaving, there wasn’t much left in your system but the nausea wasn’t about to let that slide. He heard a small sniffle before you blew your nose, followed by a heavy sigh. He waited to see if you were coming back to bed before realizing your pillow was missing from the bed. Assuming you hadn’t just gotten up, he pushed out of the sheets, knocking gently on the door as he pushed it open a crack.

“Can I do anything?” He asked softly, voice barely breaking through the silence. You had your elbows braced on the toilet bowl, head in your hands as you tried to catch your breath, heart pounding in your chest. You rolled your head to face him and his heart fell at the sight of the tears leaking from your eyes.

“Gatorade?” You croaked, “be nice to not just be puking up stomach acid.”

Mike swiftly moved from the doorway, swiping the bottle from the table before returning to the bathroom. He placed the bottle beside you as he sat on the ledge of the tub, his hand rubbing at your back soothingly. With shaking hands you picked up the bottle, taking a couple of very tiny sips before capping it again. 

“You’re burning up.” He murmured.

“Yeah…welcome to withdrawal.” You retched suddenly, thankful at least that the Gatorade stayed down for now, cheeks burning at the idea of Mike seeing you like this, “you should go back to bed.”

“I hate to leave you like this sweetheart.”

“Mmpf.” You grumbled, dropping down onto the pillow you’d left on the floor beside the toilet, your arm crossing over your eyes, “just think of it as the worlds worst hangover combined with the worlds worst flu.”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want to leave you.”

“It’s fine.” You insisted, “you should get some sleep.”

“I can grab your yoga mat if you’re staying here? A blanket?” His hand softly rubbed at your arm.

“No.” You half shook your head, “too hot…the tile feels good.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?” You could hear the ache in his voice, knowing that he hated seeing you going through this pain almost as much as you hated the fact that he was seeing you like this. Your arm moved a smidge off your eyes as you looked up at him.

“Do you trust me with an Ativan?” You winced at your words, “just one. Please…if my heart wasn’t throbbing in my ears I could potentially get some sleep.”

“Course sweetheart.” He kissed at the inside of your wrist as he stood, briefly leaving the bedroom. 

You’d always been incredibly open about your anxiety with Mike, he understood when you were going through things, what to do to help and what kind of things triggered you. The Ativan was a prescription, it was controlled, and you didn’t take it unless you really needed it (although, he couldn’t be too sure at this point). The nurse at the hospital had said it would be fine to have one if you needed it, but to watch how often you were taking it, and suggested swapping to a different anti anxiety drug in the near future, just in case. Mike returned with a pill in his palm, handing it to you so you could quickly pop it under your tongue to dissolve.

“Thank you.”

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” You shook your head, closing your eyes at the shiver that ran through your body, “okay.” He gave you a weak smile, leaning down to kiss your forehead, “don’t worry if you need to wake me, alright? I love you.”

“I love you too.” You squeezed his hand, and he knew in that moment just how much you were thankful for him. That he wasn’t walking out on your relationship, leaving you to crumble into dust on your own, he was the first person to treat you like an actual human rather than a piece of trash. Your eyes may have still been full of worry, but the love was there too, the relief, although shaky, that maybe you didn’t have to be alone after all.

Not that you would have to worry about waking Mike, you were overly embarrassed at the situation already, but there was no way he was going back to sleep right now. He was still worried something would get worse, and the last thing he wanted was to be asleep and unaware if that happened. Instead he kept an eye and an ear on the bathroom while he started researching things on his phone. When he was slightly worried about the silence coming from the ensuite he double checked, it appeared the Ativan had helped, you’d finally managed to fall asleep. You were still burning up, shivering in your sleep every so often so he left a spare blanket beside you just in case.

**

Olivia glanced up at the sound of a knock on her office door, the entire squad was currently out in the field or in court for the day, though, it’s not like the precinct was empty. She was surprised at her company though,

“Dodds? I thought you were taking the day off?”

“Uh..yeah..” he moved further into the office, “I just came to pick up a couple of things, I’ll do what I can working from home, but I was hoping I could have a full week, maybe a week and a half if you can swing it? I just..need to be at home for the next little bit.”

“Yeah, of course. How’s y/n? Did they figure out what happened?”

“That’s the other reason I’m here.” He sighed heavily, “and I’m hoping we can keep this completely confidential and off the record. If we can’t, I understand, but we’ll pretend I never came in here today and I’ll leave right now.” 

“No…no..” Olivia slid off her glasses, shutting her laptop so her full attention was on Mike, “off the record, promise.”

“If I could ask you to find a proper way to get rid of this?” He pulled a Manila envelope from inside his jacket pocket, handing it over to his Lieutenant. Her brow furrowed as she slipped it open, dumping one of the small clear bags into her palm, flipping it over with her fingers.

“Oxy?” She looked up at Mike, “did she overdose?”

“No. Thank god. There’s more in there too, she got a bad combination of different drugs, plus a few glasses of wine, the interaction was what sent her to the hospital.”

“That’s why she freaked out when I showed up?” He nodded and she sighed, “how’s she doing?”

“Rough…” Mike paused, running a hand over his face, “neither of us got much sleep. She starting puking around four, I was too worried to just go back to sleep. Spent the whole time reading as much as I could about withdrawal and detoxing.”

“She doesn’t want to go to rehab?”

“No. Turns out I didn’t know as much about her childhood as I thought.” He looked across at the woman, her face sympathetic and understanding, “her Mom was a meth head, od’d when Y/n was twelve, she bounced through the system and her foster family booted her the second she turned eighteen. She ended up at a friend’s house while she tried to get back on her feet, and the girl was a partier. Alyssa went to college and started sneaking her into the parties, she got the ‘ _college experience_ ’ without the classes or tuition. I guess one thing just lead to another. I’m just…worried.”

“I’m so sorry.” 

“I should be the sorry one,” he muttered, dropping his elbows to his knees while he rubbed at his exhausted face, “I shouldn’t be coming to dump all of this on you, I just wanted to get rid of the drugs.”

“Mike…” her voice was softer now, he glanced back up at her, “I get it. And my door’s always open, work related or personal. You don’t exactly have a lot of people who you can trust with this information, I doubt you’d ever have this conversation with your Father.” Mike huffed at that, 

“He already thinks she’s some uneducated freeloader, I don’t need him knowing about this too.”

“Oh God, please don’t tell me he said that in front of her.” She pinched at the bridge of her nose, tact was not one of Willam’s best traits. 

“Straight to her face actually.”

“I know he’s your Dad but”-

“He needs to learn what a filter is, I know.” He half laughed and Olivia felt a sense of relief at the weakened smile on his face, no matter how briefly.

“Are you doing okay?”

He paused for a moment, avoiding her gaze as he tumbled through his thoughts. As Olivia had said, he didn’t have a lot of people to trust with something like this, and he didn’t have a lot of people to open up to, especially considering he knew he had to be strong for you. Even though he’d usually open up to you about issues and feelings, that was still a first, it usually ended up bottled up inside, and right now you needed him.

“To be completely honest…I’m scared.” He sat back in his chair, Olivia could see the hint of a glimmer of tears in his eyes, “she…knew what she was doing. It’s not like this was some, once in a while when she needed to hit a deadline thing. She had a separate burner phone, she had a world of totally plausible excuses for having so much energy, being up all hours of the night, she even managed to explain away the sudden weight loss. And I believed it all.”

“You can’t blame yourself for this Mike.”

“Even the amount of places she pulled drugs from in the apartment. I never would have known. Hell, even if I was searching for them, I doubt I would’ve been able to find them.”

“Addicts have a million ways to hide their habits, they’re incredibly good at covering their tracks and having well prepared lies ready that even the people who know them best and love them the most have no idea. It’s a completely different world they’re living in. Right now, she’s going to go through hell, no matter how hard she tries to push away, make sure you’re there for her. She needs a support system or she’ll slip right back into old habits.”

“I know.” He nodded, “she’s already agreed that if she slips, or it’s too hard, she’ll do rehab.”

“Good.” Olivia smiled, “you’re gonna have to make sure she doesn’t have access to _anything_ that could resemble a high for her.”

“Already did.” He sighed, “once she was asleep I went through the entire apartment and locked all the medication up in my gun safe. Hell, I even put the pre-workout in there.”

“Does she have any prescriptions?”

“Ativan. Which we agreed she would have to go through me to get when she needs it, at least for now.”

“Good. It sounds like she really wants to get better.”

“I think she’s just as scared as I am. This is the most stable her life’s ever been. When she woke up in the hospital she asked why I was there, and how long she had to pack her things, thought I was just gonna leave her high and dry.”

“She really thought you called me to arrest her?” Mike mumbled a ‘yeah’ and Benson sighed softly before she spoke again, “can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you still love her?”

“More than anything.” His words spilled out of his lips without even having to think. He knew no matter what he’d love you, as he’d told you the previous day, everyone had their baggage, and he was willing to put up with that if it meant being with you.

“Then go home and remind her of that. Right now she’ll need you more than ever.”

“Okay.” He gave her a tight smile as he stood, “thank you Liv, really.”

“Anytime. And you call if you need _anything,_ okay?”

“I will.”


End file.
